PREAMBLE
Before we begin, let me preface this by saying I absolutely cannot fathom that we're doing this again. It's been a full, fun year, and we were gifted with perhaps the most enjoyable 70-whatever-win team I'll ever watch in my lifetime, but honest to god it feels like yesterday that Jerry Reinsdorf knocked on my door, extended his hand to shake mine, and instead grabbed my arm and made me slap myself with it once for every letter in Manny Macahdo’s name.
Regardless, after reading your plans, I’m supposed to believe this is actually the year we're spending that money. Because apparently it's contention time, even if the notion of that is similarly unfathomable to me. In case we haven't met, I root for a team that is guaranteed to go at least 11.99 years without a playoff appearance even though a full third of the league gets in every year. THIS is the year we're going for it? Are you sure? How do you know that? Whatever, if you say so.
DEAR ARBITRATION-ELIGIBLE PLAYERS:
Alex Colomé, $10.3M
I don't trust you, because I inherently don't trust any reliever the Sox acquire (or any MLB player the Sox acquire, now that I'm remembering Alex Rios’ be-terrible-every-other-year approach) to be good two years in a row. And you really weren't even great for one whole one even, so that's concerning, if totally expected. But I've seen the rest of our bullpen picture, so sure, tender (slash trade bait if it comes to that).
Yolmer Sánchez, $6.2M
Dammit, Yolmer. Why did it have to be six million?? Why not two? Who decides these things? You're one of the most infectiously fun players I've ever watched. The epitome of a fan favorite. One of the very few who made this miserable dry spell, wherein we strung together enough sub-.500 seasons to construct our own cinematic universe, bearable and even periodically enjoyable. But now that we're so-called contending, which I still don't believe until I see some proof but I digress, there isn't a place for you unless you want to retire and just hang out in the dugout as some undefined clubhouse guy who just does whatever Brian Scalabrine did for the Bulls. Can you do that? No? I understand. This makes me really sad but *pushes Ryan Goins down a hill* oh shoot hang on, we have an opening and the rosters increased to 26 anyway, so take the tender and don't tell anyone about it until March. I can't let you go.
James McCann, $4.9M
We didn't think you could hit, then you hit like crazy and proved us wrong. Then you stopped hitting completely and now we're confused. But apparently you're so good at managing our young pitching staff that Lucas Gilolito actually thinks you're his dad now, so it'd be a lousy move to tear you away from your son, lest he turn back into Carson Fulmerlito. Plus we're not signing Yasmani Grandal because let me remind you what team you play for — that's right, the team that signed you when Grandal was available for the taking. Tender
Carlos Rodon, $4.5M
Tender: Not just a verb when it comes to you, is it. Little injury humor there. Whatever, I’m on board for another third- to half-season of you so long as you do more standup at SoxFest. Welcome back
Leury García, $4M
Hell yes. How are you worth less than Yolmer?? Don't tell Yolmer I asked you that by the way. Yeah, we had to let him go obviously — why, what did he tell you *eyes start twitching*
Evan Marshall, $1.3M
Josh Osich, $1M
We have to pay someone to pitch these innings and your uniforms are already stitched together so may as well be you two for now. Congratulations
Ryan Goins, $900K
No offense but I hate you. And Matt Skole. And everyone who was playing when Luis Robert should've been up. I went to a game that both you AND Matt Skole started. Surprise — you got shut out. You are the Tobey from the Office of this tender/non-tender bunch. It's not your fault but I don't ever want to see you again. Though first come with me to check out the view atop this hill, it's amazing
CLUB OPTIONS
Welington Castillo: $8 million/$500,000 buyout
A half-million for no value or $8 million for negative value. Tough call, let me sleep on this one *places cardboard box with all of Wellington’s things in it on the sidewalk right as someone riding an electric scooter comes barreling this way*
OTHER IMPENDING FREE AGENTS
Jose Abreu (made $16M in 2019)
Yes, of course. My stepdaughter says you're her favorite player even though when I asked her which one was you, she pointed to Tim Anderson. But you are the soul of the team and the clubhouse leader we've needed since Drake LaRoche moved to the forest to hunt game with his weirdo dad. Hopefully you'll come back for cheap (say 2 years at $20mm) since I may have told Yolmer we're giving him $6 million. Here's another $2 million not to repeat that
Iván Nova (made $9,166,167 in 2019)
I enjoyed your kinda-resurgence in the second half and appreciate you starting every single game in September once all of our other pitchers got hurt and no one wanted to watch Carson Fulmer take an hour to pitch two-thirds of an inning. But we're “contenders” now (shrugs at camera) so it's time to let you go to a team that's less delusional about its chances than we are.
Jon Jay (made $4M in 2019)
Have you seen Ryan Goins? I think I saw him walk up that hill. Let's go check, you first
Hector Santiago (made $2M in 2019 on split contract)
We tried this again, and it didn't work. Can we put Yolmer in your uniform and disguise him as you and you can just retire and he'll just pitch mop-up and do Yolmer things for $4 million less than he'll cost if we do this above board? What do you mean “why do I ask” never mind, forget I brought this up. Hey, have you seen Jon?
FREE AGENTS
*opens MLBtraderumors.com, sorts free agent tracker by salary from lowest to highest, writes first three names below*
Just kidding, we'll probably sign someone in the middle. I don't know who that is hunterpence nor do I care, because here's what 2019 taught me: Free agents are a waste of time.
Need proof? Look no further:
As I write this, the Nationals, who until October were notorious for their inability to win a playoff series, are three wins away from winning the entire World Series. The secret? Getting rid of their most expensive player, a loser.
Exhibit B: Gerrit Cole, the guy you all want but think we lack the juice to sign. No loss, if I say so myself. As of October 23rd, according to a cursory glance at his page on MLB.com, he's only started 4 games, which is 21 fewer than Ivan Nova started in September alone. If I needed a guy to start only 4 games all year long, I've got Carlos Rodon for that.
But since I don't care about free agents and I assume there must be something I don't understand about Gerrit Cole's stats — like for instance, why are they called "Postseason" stats for him but if I look up a White Sox player they're just called "Season" stats? — I'll list him here. We'll fly him into town four times and then offer him 3 years for $36 million, with incentives that potentially bump it up to 8 years for $625 million. If that doesn't get it done, hey, at least we tried.
J.D. Martinez: 4 years probably, I dunno, $23ish or whatever million, it does not matter
J.D. seems like a guy who not only is already good at hitting, but also willing to continue to relentlessly improve his hitting as he gets older and also help his teammates get better at hitting as they enter their primes, which is important for a franchise whose fanbase always wants its hitting coach fired. It's like if you go to thesaurus.com, type in "Adam Dunn White Sox" and then click on "antonyms," a GIF of J.D. Martinez raking and then helping Andrew Benintendi with his homework shows up. I'm guessing the powers that be won't agree, because our front office seems to be the type that believes an elite hitter is somehow less valuable if he can't play some mediocre right field as well, but I hope this happens even though it will not ever happen.
Zack Wheeler (2 1/2 years, $50 million)
I'm not proud of this, but I also root for the Mets, and I'll miss Wheeler on the Mets. I'll also miss Wheeler on the White Sox because Jerry isn't paying $18-$20 million a year for the number of years a guy like Zack Wheeler will want. But if the Rays can play in two cities at once, so can Zack Wheeler, who will pitch every 10th day for both the Mets and Sox, who will split the costs while still ensuring Zack gets his 5 year/$100 million payday. The Mets' new GM is a lunatic and Rick Hahn's financial hands are tied, so there's no reason to believe everybody won't go for this.
TRADES/SUMMARY
As always, the trades section is where I creatively run out of steam and give up. I don't know who we should trade. We seemingly have 400 prospects who all seem like they could amount to middling or high-middling Major Leaguers and I don't know which ones are for real and which ones are made of glass and which ones will be playing for the Rosemont Chicago Dogs in four years. And I don't want to let Rick Hahn think he can trade prospects, lest he trade the exact wrong one for, I dunno, James Shields, and we all feel like garbage again.
So I'll leave it at that. Other people are way better at this than I am — some of your OPPs are extremely impressive and I'm trying to read as many as I can — but hopefully you learned something (if not about baseball, then about yourself) from reading this. If nothing else, send me ideas for new graphics you want to see in 2020.
Finally a small plug: My wife made a book. It's a true story, and it's her story. I'm proud of her for writing it. And if you want to learn more about it by clicking on any of the links below, I'll be proud of you, too.
Her words: https://twitter.com/chrystal_ok/status/1186792476083937287?s=21
Paperback: https://amzn.to/2Pguz5Q
Kindle: https://amzn.to/2P9Pibw
