JoseValentinsMustache’s Athletes Only Offseason Plan

PREAMBLE

We go all in on athAletes/grinders with TWTW. People who go 110% and don’t feel like not having played baseball is a limitation on their abilities. What we want is people who do their job and get it done.

ARBITRATION-ELIGIBLE PLAYERS

Oh boy, you made me google what tender means. I’ll assume it means keep which is what I’ll write anyways.

  • Alex Colomé, $10.3M Keep
  • Yolmer Sánchez, $6.2M He gone
  • James McCann, $4.9M Keep
  • Carlos Rodon, $4.5M Keep
  • Leury García, $4M He gone
  • Evan Marshall, $1.3M He gone
  • Josh Osich, $1M He gone
  • Ryan Goins, $900K Keep (mostly because he did well at the game at went to)

CLUB OPTIONS

Write “pick up” or “decline” after the option.

  • Welington Castillo: $8 million/$500,000 buyout DECLINE (Beef Welington’s season was medium I’d say, as in it was neither rare nor well done)

OTHER IMPENDING FREE AGENTS

Try to retain, or let go?

  • Jose Abreu (made $16M in 2019) Retain
  • Iván Nova (made $9,166,167 in 2019) Retain (His name literally means “star”)
  • Jon Jay (made $4M in 2019) “Who is this? Jon Janotgonnaworkhereanymore
  • Hector Santiago (made $2M in 2019 on split contract) He might be good but I’m not gonna look him up. Besides out of all the humans in the world one has to be better than him right?

FREE AGENTS

List three free-agent targets you’d pursue during the offseason, with a reasonable contract. A good example of a bad idea:

I’m pretty sure if you told basketball players that shooting with one hand is better than two they would’ve said you were wrong so I’m going to ignore this.

No. 1: Khalil Mack 2nd (5 years, Personal Pride and the chance to become the best 2 way athlete in the history of sports). High risk/High reward this is how my roster is going to be. Sabermetrics don’t teach you how to do this. No one’s going to try a take-out slide anymore.

No. 2: Antonio Brown Catcher (5 years, Personal Pride (Which probably needs a boost right now)). I think the problem with this guy is he’s never been given a fair chance. I plan on coupling him with the player down below.

No. 3: Cody Parkey P (5 years, Personal Pride (Which probably needs a boost right now)). You may think, “But he hit the uprights!” but this is baseball and hitting the edges of the zone is what you want.

No. 4: Tacko Falls P (5 years, Personal Pride). I’m pretty sure he will slam dunk it in the catcher’s mitt.

No. 5: Boban Marjanovic P (5 years, Personal Pride). Same thought process, plus he fought John Wick and almost won if it weren’t for that book.

No. 6: Akiem Hicks DH (5 years, Personal Pride). If a ball goes past the fence underground is that a homerun?

No. 7: Yasiel Puig (Michael Reinsdorf, Gar Foreman and John Paxon will be towel boys errr… Personal team ambassadors for their owner) He and Antonio Brown will be a good pair. I say we lock them in a room and play Baby Shark on repeat until it’s their turn to bat. There’s exactly 0 ways this can go wrong.

 

TRADES

No. 1: Nolan Ryan’s and Cy Young’s UCL. Both should be grafted onto Kopech’s arm so he can break 110 mph. In return, we will donate Palka’s liver.

No. 2: Renteria for Ditka or Phil Jackson. Need I say more.

 

SUMMARY

This plan is similar to the plot of Armageddon. We just need to find a bunch of athletes and teach them to be baseball players. Also this will save Jerry a ton of money.

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joseValentinsMustache
joseValentinsMustache
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