DitkaDitkaDitka’s offseason plan: Bringin’ da deep dish!
Summary:
Alright my frentz. Dees White Sox are goin’ da way of Dominick’s, Marshall Fields, and Cutler. Day need intervention NOW and DitkaDitkaDitka is here to save da rebuild. Buckle up, I’ve got some outta da box ideas!
ARBITRATION-ELIGIBLE PLAYERS
Alex Colomé, $10.3M – Not from Chicago. Bye.
Yolmer Sánchez, $6.2M – Not from Chicago. Dis guy is a joker, kinda like Giangreco, but not good at baseball. Bye.
James McCann, $4.9M – Not from Chicago. Bye.
Carlos Rodon, $4.5M – Not from Chicago. Bye.
Leury García, $4M – Not from Chicago… but has been here awhile. I’ll take him. I mean, Ditka is from Pittsburgh and is da King of Chi-town!
Evan Marshall, $1.3M – Not from Chicago. Bye.
Josh Osich, $1M – Not from Chicago. Bye.
Ryan Goins, $900K – Not from Chicago. Probably puts ketchup on hotdogs. Bye.
CLUB OPTIONS
Welington Castillo: $8 million/$500,000 buyout – Not from Chicago. Probably calls da Sears Tower da Willis Tower. Bye.
OTHER IMPENDING FREE AGENTS
Jose Abreu – Not from Chicago… but honorary Chicagoan. Dis guy has spirit, reminds me of Hilgenberg or Cap Boso. I’ll take him. $40m for 3 years ($15m, $15m, $10m).
Iván Nova – Not from Chicago. Bye.
Jon Jay – Not from Chicago. Dis guy is da Vinnie Testaverde of baseball.
Hector Santiago – Not from Chicago. Bye.
Our fans wanna fill up on satiating baseball deep dish… and we’re giving them baseball Dominos. DOMINOS! Blasphemy. Don’t worry, I got dis.
Free Agents:
1. Sign Jason Kipnis. He’s from Northbrook. 1 year, $8 million dollars. Dis guy plays RF and 2b and brings da nasty. Every team needs a Mongo.
2. Sign Ben Zobrist. He’s from da far burbs. 1 year, $6 million dollars. Dis guy plays everywhere. Reminds me of au jus, perfect for any situation.
3. Sign Tanner Roark. Far south burbs, Wilmington. Good walleye down dare on da K3. $12m.
Extensions:
1. Restructure Giolito. 4 years with 2 mutual options ($7m, $11m, $14m, $17m… options: $20m, $23m).
Trades:
1. Dane Dunning, Jake Burger, and Blake Rutherford (all not from Chicago) to Arizona for Carson Kelly and TJ McFarland (both from Chicago). Carson Kelly gets da job more dan done. If he was a food, he’d be a Portillo’s chocolate cake shake. And McFarland went to Stagg in Palos, near my favorite Italian Beef joint. Nuff said.
2. Jimmy Lambert (not from Chicago) to da stupid Yankees for JA Happy (from Nortbrook) and $14 million. Happy would be a swiss army knife swingman – think about da Fridge Perry who played offense AND defense for da ’85 bears.
3. Reynaldo Lopez, Steele Walker, and Tyler Johnson (not from Chicago) to da Braves for Mike Foltynewicz (from da burbs). Dis kid has been up and down but – who ya crappin? – he’s gonna be a good #3.
4. Luis Mieses (not from Chicago) to da Mariners for the rights to Connor Sadzeck (from Palatine). Kid gets da job done without much pedigree, reminds me of Tommy Waddell.
5. Micker Adolfo and Gavin Sheets (not from Chicago) to da Royals for Jake Junis (from Sterling). Good SO numbers from da kid, just needs to get a new perspective. Dat fastball looks like a Metra coming in at hitters, fast!
6. Bernardo Flores and Seby Zavala (not from Chicago) to da Blue Jays for Danny Janzen. Dis guy is from da home of dat dealership “where you always save more money.” Nuff said.
Here’s my roster. It’s not all Chicago – DitkaDitkaDitka can only do so much this offseason – but I think we’ll do ok.
Lineup
3B Yoan Moncada $550k
SS Tim Anderson $4m
1B Jose Abreu $15m
C Carson Kelly $560k
LF Eloy Jimenez $2.3m
RF Ben Zobrist $6m
DH Jason Kipnis $8m
CF Luis Robert $550k
2B Nick Madrigal $550k
Bench
UTL Leury Garcia $4m
UTL Danny Mendick $550k
C Danny Janzen $550k
C/1B/DH Zack Collins $550k
Ditka’s 7 man rotation/swingmen:
1. Giolito $7m
2. Foltynewicz $8m (arb)
3. Cease $500k/Roark $12m
4. Junis $600k/Kopech $550k
5. Happy $10m
Bullpen:
Closer – Aaron Bummer $550k
LHRP: Jace Fry $550k
LHRP: Tony Cingrani $1m
LHRP: TJ McFarland $2m
RHRP: Connor Sadzeck $600k
Bonus: RHRP: Zach Burdi (when healthy) $550k. And from Downers Grove.
Bonus: I’d dismiss Renteria and add Girardi. Guy is like da Tom Skilling of baseball managers.
Summary
Total payroll: $88 million (flexibility to add more Chicagoans)
Total Chicagoans on da 26 man: 11
Predicted record: 150-12.
Pass me a Brown’s Chicken and Goose Island, it’s time to bring da World series back to da South Side.
Author
Da one transaction I forgot to list on here: Hire Wayne Messmer to sing da National Anthem every game. Guyz da bomb. Sorry I forgot dat, I wrote dis in da batchroom after eatin’ bad chicken tenders from Jewels and while watchin’ da Blues Brudders.
How did Charlie Tilson not make it into this plan?
Iccckkk. Wilmette.
I really freakin hate Wilmette. If towns were Sox players, Wilmette would be Laroche.
We need to trade for Nick Burdi so he can join his brother on the South Side.
Dats a good idea! We could get him for a 4 year $50 mildo, could be a good battry wit Kelly. Danks for dee idea.
I’d also like to explore gettin Pudge Fisk outta retirement to DH. I seen him recently, lives in Lockport near da new Menards and Jewels, and he’s not dat old.
This team needs the Grandyman.
I like it! We can send dat guy Engel to da Cubs to hit cleanup for dem, make Grandy our utility guy. Dose guys will rock like a Friday night at Zero Gravity in 1995! I can already hear “Sweet Home Chicago” playing as we go to da World Series!