Back when
Dave Barry wrote outstanding humor columns, which were turned into a mediocre TV show, instead of merely decent books, which were then turned into mediocre films, year-in-reviews became a regular feature of his.
But since he's given that up, I figure I can step in and ape the method myself. While he packaged every month into one gigantic column, I figure I'll spread the season out a bit. Today's will cover the offseason -- or at least the section of the offseason that happened after this site was launched -- and I'll get to April in a couple weeks or so. It's a long winter.
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Dec. 2 – An unselfish Paul Konerko shows how much playing in Chicago means to him when he bypasses the opportunity to buy whatever one can’t buy with $60 million, but can buy with $65 million.
Dec. 8 – The White Sox sign Pittsburgh utilityman Rob Mackowiak to play center field half the time. Mackowiak makes the trip by driving towards Philadelphia first, then doubling back and arriving a day late.
Dec. 21 – The Sox clubhouse loses a pair of gigantic black panties, and something of less value as well.
Dec. 29 – Jon Garland signs a three-year, $29 million contract, bypasses “what’s in the box.” (Wise choice; it was a new dinette set.)
Jan. 8 – Mark Buehrle declines to pitch in the World Baseball Classic, citing the desire to condition on normal schedule for upcoming season. His left arm fails to receive the memo, and pitches in WBC anyway.
Jan. 12 – White Sox announce hiring of Chris Singleton to replace John Rooney.
Jan. 13 – Ed Farmer gets upset after Singleton fails to ask Farmer how he slept, says partnership will "never work."
Jan. 25 – Frank Thomas becomes Oakland’s problem.
Jan. 31 – After undergoing physical therapy for his ailing back, Dustin Hermanson declares himself fit for the upcoming season.
Feb. 2 – Ozzie declines to attend the White House ceremony, cites annoying smell of sulfur.
Feb. 5 – After a three-day struggle and the help of a complex system of pulleys, Dustin Hermanson finishes tying his shoes, only to realize he forgot to put on his pants first.
Feb. 11 – Kenny Williams buys himself time, breaks Chris Young’s wrist.
Feb. 13 – White Sox visit White House; Juan Uribe checks handguns at security gate, nobody thinks twice about it.
Feb. 16 – Ozzie Guillen criticizes Alex Rodriguez’s inability to make up his mind; Brian Anderson thinks about bringing this to Ozzie’s attention six months later, but ultimately declines.
Feb. 22 – Carl Everett says his Mariners are a better offensive squad than the White Sox. They’re so good, says Everett, that he vows to not hit because it’d simply be too much firepower.
Feb. 27 – Kenny Williams calls Frank Thomas an “idiot” and “selfish” among other things during 45-minute rant. Assembled reporters charge him $210 for the “hour.”
March 6 – The Sox open Spring Training with six consecutive losses; Ozzie Guillen praises bullpen for already being in midseason form.
March 8 – Kenny Williams trades Jeff Bajenaru to Arizona for infielder Alex Cintron. Since the two teams share the same Spring Training facility, Williams picks up the 210-lb. Cintron himself and saves approximately $920 on overnight shipping.
March 9 – I arrive in Tucson.
March 11 – Tucson freezes over.
March 11 – I watch Matt Thornton start a game for the Mariners and perform miserably, presumably to make me look like an ass when I write off his presence later on.
March 12 – Dustin Hermanson looks worse walking off the field than Herm Schneider.
March 18 – Hawk Harrelson and Darrin Jackson start their own blog, giving Hawk a new reason to not talk during big losses.
March 20 – The Mariners add another Sox outfielder who won’t hit for them after they trade Matt Thornton to Chicago for Joe Borchard.
March 27 – Boone Logan makes White Sox roster.
That’s the joke.
March 30 – Pablo Ozuna hits wind-aided homer during the last week of Spring Training; I write, “Ozuna likely won't come close to hitting another one this season, so at least let him enjoy it.”